I'm having a pity party tonight...
All I have ever wanted was to be a wife and mother and maybe it's just not in the cards for me! I have SO many issues and insecurities when it comes to relationships.... I tend to love too much and see the good in people that don't really deserve my love! Why? I have been in counceling trying to figure this out! I never wanted to be a single mom and do this alone! It's so hard! I wanted to be a mother so bad but I didn't want to do it alone! How am I supposed to teach TWO boys how to be GREAT men and husbands? I want my boys to see me happy, not sad and lonely all the time! I feel I have been a mess for almost 3 years now! When will I be fixed? I'm trying so hard to see the "bigger picture" I'm just SO impatient... anyways....I think that is enough venting for one night!
It amazes me the love capacity that Xavy has! He has been through SO much! More then any 6 year old should have... But man can that kid LOVE! He is such a great son and brother. He shows such love and compassion to Aiden...I almost feel like in some ways Xavy has taken on the "dad" role for Aiden. When Xavy himself is CRAVING the love and time from his dad. I know Xavy is going to be a great dad! If I fail at everything else in this life...THAT is the one thing I will get right! No matter what it takes! My boys WILL be GREAT husbands and fathers... So maybe I am doing something right... I just hope my love is good enough for them. I hope they know one day how hard I tried to make it work and how much I DO love them! I may not be the BEST mom in the world but I'm trying everyday to get it right and be the kind of person they need to guide them through life...
I am grateful that I do have the chance to be a mom even if it is alone...I DO know how lucky I am....
As my smarter, younger sister always tells me... "kids are blessings from god"
I think she is right and I know she is going to show me up and be the most amazing mom there is! She teaches me everyday to be more patient and understanding with my kids and I want her to know....I do listen!
Love to all my family... for without them I would have not made it this far!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Pity Party...
Posted by Stefanie at 10:48 PM
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2 comments:
Stef,
You are an amazing mother and you do know how to love! One day the right person will walk into your life. You just have to be in a place to be able to accept their love as well. Sometimes it is easier to love than to accept someone else's love for you. Sometimes we feel like we don't deserve to be happy. Tell the universe and Heavenly Father that you are willing and ready to accept love back into your life and then pray for the right person to show up! Be open to whatever package that may come in. Tell yourself you deserve to be loved as much as you give out! It will happen but it isn't always on the timetable we want it to be. Unfortunately! Know that your family loves you! Try to love yourself as well!
aw sweetie!! i can honestly say that the best chance your boys have had at becoming great men, husbands and fathers was having you as their mother who has been amazingly brave and smart enough to open the window of opportunity for a truly wonderful and deserving man to become their role model and to make you his everything. it is in the cards for you, stef. go get it.
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